Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
