I didn't shave. On purpose
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
