I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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