new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
