you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
