very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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