His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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