I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
