tell your sister to shave her snatch
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i used baking grease as lip gloss
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
