Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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