it's not cheating when I paid for it
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize