I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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