I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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