an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
