I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
