oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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