The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
