Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
