I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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