Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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