every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
