now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
