I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
do nipples grow back?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize