she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
How does it feel to date your dad?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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