If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
