I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
