you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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