On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize