Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize