one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize