I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
