When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he was CRYING into my vagina
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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