put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
