I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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