Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
