Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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