Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
