My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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