you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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