did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I have tasted many bathrooms
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
