I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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