Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize