There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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