I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
