my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
