i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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