Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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