Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
