Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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