I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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