Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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