Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
