I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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