I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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