hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Girls should come with a carfax report
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I need moral support for this bender
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
