At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize