My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
