My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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