I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
