i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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