I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
well you can't waste a boner
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Randomize
